Big Trouble In Little China (1986)

I saw this movie when I was 9 years old, and I could not believe my eyes. I had seen plenty of kung-fu movies as a kid thanks to sunday afternoons in front of a tv at my Grandparents. But this had guns, monsters, jokes, and Kim Catrall, to say nothing of Kurt Russells amazing hair.

Wise cracking trucker Jack Burton is an all American joe. Drives his truck, gambles and drinks his wages and lets out sage advice like a Dalton from Roadhouse but with a better sense of humor. He goes with his buddy Wang to the airport to pick up Wangs girlfriend and she is kidnapped by some amazing punkrock Chinese gangster dudes (called the Lords of Death), and whisked away. Kim Catrall (a journalist) is also at the airport picking up a refugee girl and gets roped in. Winds up that Lo Pan (an evil Bowie-esque ancient warlord/wizard/ghost/wiseacre) has snatched up Wangs girlfriend because she is a Chinese girl with green eyes which is the only thing that can appease Lo Pans god and make him flesh again. Jack and Wang and Kim Catrall have to go get her back.This involves guns, waterslides, old sets from the Goonies (that are supposed to pass for the sewers of San Francisco’s Chinatown), monsters, magic potions courtesy of good magician/ally Egg-shan, and an amazing Villian-compound with elevators and trap doors and such.

Confused yet? Don’t be, all you need to know is that if at any point you are unsure of the plot Kurt Russell will tell you whats happening in a “I can’t Believe I’m seeing this shit! Are you seeing this shit!” kind of way.

Lots of amazing bad guys, including the source material for characters that wound up in some video games and also that long-haired dude from Die Hard, Lethal Weapon and Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure (Al Leong….you rule).  Mind blowing fight sequences, sweet SWEET one liners like they do not make anymore. This is fun tounge in cheek action comedy before all that shit got all “ironic” and self-aware on us.

Directed (and scored! of course) by John Carpenter this is an amazing amount of fun that is as good as when I was a kid and I can’t imagine ever getting sick of.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

So you send a robotic Arnold-y killing machine (T-800) back to 1984 to kill the mother of the rebel resistance of your cyborg overlord future, and it fails. So, what do you do? Send a better fancier liquid metal one (T-1000) back when the kid is a shit-headed squeaky-voiced tween and kill him then. Except you didn’t count on the resistance sending back the older Arnold-y cyborg to protect him. Plus his Mom is now a psychotic mercenary with a massive chip on her shoulder. Watch out T-1000.

Action sequence after  action sequence, each more impressive than the last, Terminator 2 is just fabulous. The cheesy relationship between the T-800 and John Conner complete with terrible slang, the tired doomsday rants of Sarah Conner, the Guns N Roses soundtrack… all of this should drag this down like a series of anvils and albatrosses, but it manages to really transcend the “Wow a burning playground….how deep, what symbolism” crap and deliver the goods.

In this sequel to 1984’s The Terminator director James Cameron, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton build and improve upon the original in almost every way imaginable. Big explosions, time paradoxes, bigger explosions, tons of cops getting shot in the kneecaps (really, over and over again), John Woo references (or are they?) this one is built to satisfy and it does. Well worth a revisit, I recommend watching it loud.

Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild Untold Story of Ozploitation! (2008)

A documentary on the drive-in/grindhouse era of 1970s Australian (mostly) independent cinema. Australia had a severe and oppressive censor board and in the early 1970’s when the “R certificate” came into being to distinguish adult material from family friendly fare the Aussies went bonkers splashing the screens with blood, car wrecks, and lots of boobs for about 15 years before chilling out a bit.

This film follows all the major players in the scene: actors, producers, directors and fans (motor-mouth Tarantino is all up in it). With a few exceptions (Road Games, Razorback, and Mad Max) I hadn’t heard of any of these movies and lots of em look like a lot of fun. Producers would usually import one or two famous actors from Britain, the States or Asia (to ensure overseas sales) and fill the rest out with local talent.  And presto, cinema classics!

The dangerous outlaw vibe they these films have is real. People got maimed (and some died) doing these amazing stunts. And the people responsible for these films are a real bunch of characters anyways (archival footage of Dennis Hopper in his heyday doesn’t seem out of place). Lots of “upstanding” Australians were embarrassed by these films and the image they were sending to the world.

Describing a movie where people describe movies isn’t interesting, but I can say that this is fun portrait of a cultural moment I knew nothing about and I found it super entertaining. How the forbidden, what is held back will explode all over the culture as soon as its available. The demand for entertainment, cheap/fun entertainment is undeniable.

Anvil! The Story of Anvil (2008)

A documentary on the heavy metal group Anvil. A group who peaked in popularity around 1983 with the release of their album “Metal On Metal”, they play festivals, impress/influence their peers and up and coming bands such as Metallica, Slayer and Anthrax. They never quite break through and toil in obscurity working their jobs, doing Anvil on weekends and vacations.

The film follows them as they attempt a comeback, record their 13th album and go on a soul crushing European tour. The core of the band are the singer/guitar player Steve “Lips” and the drummer Robb Reiner (which makes the Spinal Tap comparisons a real elephant in the room), boyhood friends who have been playing together for 31 years. Robb is fairly ambivalent about fame and success for the group and its Steve who really drives the dream with an undying passion. It is at times heartbreaking to watch. But also I felt really stoked for these guys, like why not just keep doing it, they clearly love it. The problem is that they haven’t reconciled the fact that success is not in the cards for Anvil and that it must be a labor of love. Also, they are super goofy and hilarious (often unintentionally).

The music? Not so hot, but their enthusiasm is contagious and their hardcore old-school fans are amazing. It is overthetop enough that I’m sure some people think it’s a joke and even more will just want to point and laugh. Personally, I found myself relating to these guys on some level and began to feel protective of them, unintentionally hilarious or not.

The unfilmed post-script is that the is film is a cult success and audiences love it, and because of this Anvil can now tour clubs (and I would hope) find some recognition with their new found fans.

But how much their new audiences genuinely like them and how much is Napoleon Dynamite-style heartless irony hunters is hard to say. If someone tells me they love this movie, I always have to question their motives.

Crank (2006)

Bad ass gangster guy Jason Statham  wakes up feeling really bad and finds a dvd that simply says “FUCK YOU” on it, it contains footage of some guy explain how he is going to die and then shows him injecting his knocked out body with “some herbal asian shit” that will kill him.

Smashing the Tv Statham notices he feels a bit better, so he starts running, and feels a bit better. Then he drives fast, and fights a guy, and does some coke, fights some more guys, takes some other drugs including “Haitian shit made from plant shit”, because the “asian shit” blocks off his adrenaline and he can’t stop moving or he’ll die blah blah blah. It is Speed, but with a dude instead of a bus. It is way better than Speed.

I enjoyed how goofy and bonkers this was, lots of action in the comedy and chocolate in the peanut butter. However, at one point he forces his girlfriend to have sex with him in a crowd of people and she kinda fights him at first and then gets into it (are you fucking kidding me?). It is a real cringewothry moment, snapping me out of my brainless fun and pissing me off. I shook it off and did continue to enjoy Crank, but that was a bummer.

Every single character is a massive stereotype, cartoon would be a more accurate description. Actually that’s the draw for me, this whole movie is a cartoon or a comic book. Kinda how I wish the Punisher movie would’ve been.

I wanted to check this out because word on the street is that Crank 2 is one of the most over the top action movies to ever grace the screen. Amazing even the most jaded action fans. So, I wanted to start at the start and I’m glad I did because they don’t exactly leave it open for a sequel. We’ll see how they deal with that.

Or here’s my one sentence review: It’s a 85min chase scene.

Desperate Living (1977)

Rewatched this old favorite as a midnight movie introduced by Mink Stole herself. Hard not to be jazzed about that.

John Waters last major freak out before taking a small step towards the mainstream with Polyester, Desperate Living is in some ways his most extremely dark and fucked film. Lacking some of the joy of Pink Flamingos and Female Trouble, it feels edgier. It is also lacking Divine (his first film without her), but the cast is top fucking notch. Mink Stole as rich anxious headcase Peggy Gravel, Jean Hill as her housekeeper and “sister in crime” Grizelda. They kill Connie’s husband and hit the road taking refuge in Mortville (a kind of freezone for degenerates and criminals that the cops wont touch, it is ruled by evil Queen Carlotta-Edith Massey).

Peggy and Grizelda move in with Mole (pre-op tranny boy) and Muffy (“the prettiest girl in Mortville”).  The story is mostly how the people of Mortville rise up against the tyranny of Queen Carlotta. It is a story filled with rabies, botched sex changes, an army of Tom of Finland style leather daddies, and some of the most fantastic hysterical dialogue ever filmed. The city of Mortville is a triumph of low-budget set design, the interiors and exteriors feel so cold and filthy, but dreamlike and also very much a fucked-Disney vibe. There is even a cameo from Cookie Mueller (my favorite of John Waters “Dreamlander” pool of actors).

Like I said, its an old favorite and I enjoyed it now as much or more than when I was a teenager. It’s the kind of film that when certain lines were spoken on screen I would think to myself “Ah! thats why I’ve been saying that for years!” Having unknowingly been quoting it for years. Dark, hilarious and brilliant.

Quarantine (2008)

A news reporter (kinda fluff stuff, lifestyle “Evening Magazine” stuff) is doing a hanging out piece on the Los Angeles Fire Dept. We follow her and her cameraman into a building where an emergency call has been made. Upon arrival they find an elderly woman who has become a rabid flesh eating insaniac. They try to evacuate the building but only a few get out, the rest are locked in by the Center for Disease Control (who have suddenly shown up out of nowhere) and…uh…Quarantined.

Anywhoozle, there is a cop, a fireman, the reporter, the cameraman and a few tenants in the building. We stay with them as the CDC shuts down their phones/internet/cable, they plug in a tv with an antenna and hear the reports that the building has been completely evacuated, so they know they’re fucked. The virus (which Jill called “crabies”) takes over various characters making them fearless and thirsty for blood. We only see what the cameraman sees in almost real-time.

The whole first person/found footage film stuff is really stale, I skipped Cloverdale, I really was disappointed with Diary of the Dead, and I’ll quote here what Sherman Alexie told me once “Blair Witch Project is only scary if you grew up in the city”.  But Quarantine isn’t bad, its full of some good scares and even the constant running around didn’t bother me too much.

The acting however, isn’t good enough to make you forget that you’re watching a movie. There are plenty of moments where I was bummed that they stepped out of reality  (you kill a insaniac with a camera, that camera is broken- thats the end of movie). Also, the film takes a turn at the end to explain where the virus comes from and I felt that while this scene is super scary it wasn’t plausible. Which is only a criticism I’d make for a “real footage” kind of movie.

It is scary fun, which is a rare treat, but doesn’t quite hold together to be a great film. Based on a Spanish film called [REC], I’ll check that one out at some point to compare, American remakes usually have these kinds of problems.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses.

I was really down on this movie when it came out, and then I tried to watch The Devil’s Rejects and really didn’t like the intro so I turned it off. But, I want to give Devil’s Rejects a 2nd chance and figured why not start at the beginning?

Here we have two middle class couples on a roadtrip through the south gathering material for a book of roadside oddities, they stumble upon Captitan Spauldings a real dirtbag fried chicken joint with a serial killer themed haunted house ride in the back that looks like a Rob Zombie video. During the ride they hear about local legend “Dr. Satan” and beg Cap. Spaulding to give them more info, he draws em a map that leads them to a farmhouse outside of town that is inhabited with crazy family that lives in a house that looks like a Rob Zombie video.

They are killed off one by one in some pretty nasty ways, some laughs ensue and some real grisly stuff. With the lightness of the humor and camp getting dimmer every moment.

It’s actually pretty well done. I liked it more than his remake of Halloween. This one feels a lot like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, plotwise and thematically, but with a lot of garish color and postmodern camp. This is not great, or terribly original, the dialogue is awful. It is just above average I’d say, but Zombie brings such enthusiasm and gusto to the movie its hard not to be won over. For something this nasty, its…charming?

The Manson Family (2003)

Low budget, bloody, trippy vision of the Manson Family cult and their murders. In the vein of the “Cinema of Transgression” of the 1980’s or a real low rent “Natural Born Killers” as it mixes film stocks, video, staged interviews, and massive acid freakouts mixed with a fake documentary format. With a twist that you see the news reporters putting the documentary together and some junkie death rockers in a basement plotting the reporters demise.

I wont replay the plotline, it isn’t terribly accurate to the facts. But it gets the overall vibe of their  love/murder/sex/LSD/deathtrip probably better than anyone else has so far, and many of the staged interviews are straight offs of original interview footage from the film “Manson” (1973).

The modern-day subplot of the junkies in the basement I could’ve done without. I mean really, you guys watch Richard Kern movies and shoot up, why should I be scared?

I liked the soundtrack, almost entirely Skinny Puppy, SuperJoint Ritual (and other Phil Anselmo side projects) and one or two Manson songs. And you know, if you are into fake blood, trippy sequences and boobs. This movie is for you. I thought it could’ve been about half as long and would’ve been much better. There are some great moments, but you have to dig to get to em. I would like to see what this director would get up to with some money and an editor.

Quien Puede Matar a un Nino? (1976)

Death is Child’s Play
Island of Death
Island of the Damned
Los niños
Lucifer’s Curse
The Killer’s Playground
Trapped
Who Can Kill a Child?  (This is the title you will find this on dvd)
Would You Kill a Child?

A British couple is on vacation in Spain in a lovely coastal town, they have two children but are on vacation alone. The wife is pregnant and the husband is conflicted about it. They decide to row out to a remote island with a fishing village, upon arrival discover that there are no adults to be found. Until that is, they find one being beaten to death by a cute little girl, later they see the same mans body strung up like a pinata and the kids going at him with a scythe.

This is only the beginning of the terror these kids unleash, whats worse is that the violence is only intermittent, they laugh and play in between these events. In a truly terrifying scene our hero finds a group of young boys in a church undressing a dead womans corpse.   They find a jeep and try to escape to the other side of the island, but are followed. They return to the docks in the village and are once again followed, they have to decide that if they are going to survive they will answer the question posed by the title of the film.

This is a shocking, brutal and heartbreaking film. Well made and with characters you can care about, which makes it scary to watch. I would recommend it wholeheartedly. The army of creepy killer kids are fucking terrifying, tension is built at a very effective pace towards a climax that is amazing and, well, horrifying. This film has been unavailable in its original cut and almost unavailable altogether for years and its easy to see why, it is a bitter pill.

However, the opening credit sequence is a real newsreel footage montage of worldwide atrocities (famine, genocide and other real life horrors) that I found very off-putting, but it wasn’t artistically justified. It didn’t work, it just pissed me off. I would’ve given this a much more positive review had it not been there.